VERY afraid. It seems that I can no longer ignore it. People are wearing leggings again. Why, O Lord, did you allow the legging to come crawling back out of the unhallowed grave into which it was consigned all those years ago. Why? Is it because of the relentless secularisation of the western world? If it is, we're all very very sorry, and a new generation of church-goers is instantly born.
Ah, the legging... the garment created from cotton, spandex and the devil's back hair..... the garment which is 100 percent heinous and 100 percent unwearable. Even my sister, who is 5'8 and a size 2 should beware the legging. The legging was cast aside, complete with priest and holy water, in the late 80's, and there it should have remained, as a warning to us all, against becoming sartorially complacent. I had written earlier about being uninspired, but 3 (Yes, 3, for the love of all that is holy, 3) sightings today of a legging has banished my lack of inspiration and forced me to the computer keyboard.
First off ,why always is the legging sported by women who really ought to have embraced the tent dress, or the muu-muu? (Don't worry, dear readers--I entirely class myself in the "muu-muu & tent dress" category. I am under no illusions. But neither then do I own a legging.) My aforementioned sister also does not wear a legging, but she might actually have a shot at not looking like Jabba the Hut encased in Saran wrap. Jabba's sisters all apparently own leggings, and they are all in colours like fuschia, lime, and grape. Not for them the subtleties of black. Oh no. They have had their colours done by the Colour Me Beautiful lady, and they are working them in the legging. God help the rest of us.
Why also do they not invest in a pair of Spanx, or a similarly ruthless, gut-sucking undergarment to wear under the leggings that they simply must display to the general public? Not a Spanx is to be found among them. Their Lady Jockeys are simply not up to the task of controlling that quantity of flesh. Nor is the spandex of the legging going to do it. It simply rides the rolls like a surfboard on the ocean.
Now, as I said, I am a card-carrying member of the flesh encased female. I have the decency to keep it relatively well-concealed. Please, please to all of you legging-loving women out there, make them go away. Forever. There ought to be a public legging round-up, where they are all deposited into a lead-lined casket, sealed with uranium-235, and buried in the centre of the earth, with anointed ministers of all faiths speaking prayers of banishment as it happens..... I'm gonna take some medicine, and when I wake up, the leggings I saw today will all be a bad dream. Please.
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About Me
- QueenFee
- Give me a four legged companion, a glass of champagne, a Jane Austen novel, some Krishna Das to chant along to, and a yoga mat, and I'm a happy gal. Oh, and I'll probably be wearing my pyjamas and false eyelashes, too...
4 comments:
I told you it was happening. And I swear to god I saw a woman wearing stirrup pants last month.
That's the 5th sign of the apocalypse, innit?
Fiona, I'm so ashamed I can only stare at my typing fingers- I can't even lift my eyes to read the computer screen.
I own leggings.
I wear them. Sometimes.
But I really do mostly wear the reinforced, thick, uber-legging for running and other such athletic pursuits. And I do most of my running in the solitude of the hills, where only the deer and ptarmigan and occasional cougar can mock me.
I admit that even though my arse most likely resembles two pigs wrestling in a gunny sack, I have been guilty of wearing the legging under a dress. In my twisted brain the lameness of the legging is compensated for by the cuteness of the dress. But always in the back of my mind has been a doubt, a hesitation about busting out the leggings. I see pictures of the likes of Lindsey Lohan and those simian Olsen twins staggering about in their shimmering, high-gloss leggings and it stabs me with horror.
Sigh. Does it make it slightly better that I only ever wear black leggings?
And Lee- stirrup pants? Serious? I'll remember that woman in my prayers.
Ava my dear, you have the sort of figure that likely could carry off a legging, so don't you worry. ANd under dresses is actually quite cute. I also do not count the athletic legging-I have a thermal pair that I run in in the winter, and I honestly do not feel shame about this as this is for a specific purpose. I speak here of *gratuitous* leggings wearing. You know the ones. And, yes, stirrup pants are definitlively the 5 sign of the apocalypse.
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